Racism

I cannot stress how much I abhor racism. For some reason, I always run into a racist slur/comment. It honestly doesn't bother me that much, but I just don't get it - why do people feel the need to whirl silly comments like that? It makes no sense! Throughout my entire life, I've always been targeted with racial slurs, but only four stuck out. I'm a Chinese-American citizen who has always tried my best to be viewed as "good" in the eyes of adults - ie., offered to fix an elderly woman's phone once when I was walking home from school, hold doors open for elders, greet people in general with a smile and a "hello", that stuff. I don't see why such comments are necessary; I'm only fifteen! TT_TT. Here, let's elaborate more on the four racist comments I'll never forget...

1. I grew up with Harry Potter. It's my favourite series, so it was natural for me to go along with my sister to the releasing of the seventh and final book. At that time I was... In third or fourth grade? Anyways, the night was perfect. I was able to play around at the stands, get my own pair of the beloved glasses, and even got a tattoo made specifically for the final book! Filled with excitement and on a rush, I wandered over to a stand that fit quite snugly between two far apart book cases. It was the stand that would complete my wizard (or perhaps I should be saying witch) look - you could make wands out of pencils! The lady who watched over the stand gave another child and I an un-sharpened pencil and let us choose from the decorations laid out on the table. I twirled a single pink pipe cleaner onto it, then proceeded to glue about three stars onto it. Before I could even finish however, the lady stated, "I think you've had enough." and kind of just... Pushed me away from the stand. LOL. I ended up just leaving, embarrassed, to find my sister and her friend.

2. I was in eighth grade (so... 13/14 years old?) and was at the mall with my mom. We were shopping at Kohl's, and well, I wanted to look at my clothes instead of hers. I walked over to the teen's section and everything is dandy. Out of nowhere, a family of three (a mother, daughter, and son) show up a few feet away. I minded my own business and kept looking at the clothing rack in front of me. People, please note - just because someone is not paying attention does not necessarily mean they will not hear your snide comments. Out of the corner of my ear I hear the mother say, "Don't look at her. She's dangerous." Followed by her hushing her kids when they asked why. Needless to say I walked away in shame to find my mother.

3. I'm not allowed to go out much. Well... I wouldn't say I'm not allowed, just that I can never get a ride. One time, I was finally able to have my mother take me to the library to meet up with my friends in eighth grade! I entered the library, excited to go upstairs to find my friends. Before I could even go however, I ran into yet again, another family, this time maybe of four or five, including the mom. I smiled at them and waved, only to be greeted with, "Don't make eye contact, she's evil!" from the mother. Déjà vu much?

And finally, the fourth and final one...

4. I'm a high schooler this year - fifteen! A few weeks ago, my old middle school was trying to get donations for Relay for Life, a night where you show cancer up by basically saying that we'll (Cancer survivors/people who have it now/family members and friends/etc) never let it win, so the middle schoolers were going door-to-door trying to get people to donate. A pair of siblings, one looking like a seventh grader and the other looking like either a really short eighth grader or another seventh grader, came to my house. Unfortunately, I didn't have any money, so I had to refuse. Before I could close the door, the older one did the whole "cough(insert insult here)cough" thing. What did he say?
"coughCHINKcough!"
His brother had that, "YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT WHY ARE YOU SO COOL" expression, while the brat who called me that was laughing his butt off. -____-.

Of course, there are other times where people picked on me because of my race. For example, I was walking home from school one day in eighth grade and this group of seventh (or even sixth graders!) came up to me and asked if I knew how to speak "Ching chong ling long", if my eyes were just naturally small, and a bunch of other things. I try not to let these get to me, because in all honesty, they don't. But at the same time I just feel so embarrassed about my ethnicity that I just wanted to run home and barricade myself in my room.

To all the racist people I'll ever meet in my life:

And to the group of seventh graders who made fun of me this year and in eighth grade for being Chinese:

I like my small eyes thank you very much. Yes, even with that triple eye lid. Now you boys can all run along and go play whatever little kids play these days, or you can open up a book and learn how to respect your elders.

Crushes

Sometimes, a crush works out. You two get together, last longer than average, and then you get married. For some, you might be that model couple - the couple that everyone wants to be: indestructible, together, and happy. The love is reciprocated and all of a sudden, you get a happily ever after - just like the fairy tales.

The other times however, a crush just crashes and burns before you can even attempt it. You find some dreamy figure that catches your eye (and sometimes for as long as four years) and you just... Follow them the rest of the time until they notice. They might even be your closest friend, or some kid you exchanged two words with in the hall! The point is, they become the one thing you obsess about - every greeting, every exchange, every single interaction with them starts to be mulled over constantly, analyzing the little details that you may have missed. Those exchanges become the "star" moments in your life; I mean, you talked to the person that keeps attracting your eyes! And right before you can act and break the ice... They find someone they're attracted to. And it sucks when you see them doing the same exact thing that you're doing to them. You want to tell them to stop, but at the same time, you want them to be happy, right? You're caught in this game of feeling hurt and letting them be happy, and ruining it for them altogether and feel happy, but have them be hurt. What hurts more though? Having to watch their love be returned and seeing a new couple form, knowing that they are happier with each other as opposed as them being with you. Thinking, "Oh, I have this amazing chance!" when in reality... You never had one to begin with.

Allow me to share a story. Just like every other girl, I've liked a guy... Albeit longer than the norm (see above). We're pretty good friends - rather, he's one of my closest. He amuses me with everything he does. There were times when I thought, "Maybe he might just like me; he surely acts like it!" only to have that feeling refuted when I see him talk to a certain girl. I can't insult the girl, nor can I particularly praise her; my feelings for her are very neutral after all-- well, not really. If I had to be genuinely honest, I don't like her. Alas, that is how a teenage girl feels towards any girl that gets along with her crush, no? Anyways... Four years. It's funny how my feelings held out for so long. In those fours years, I've never once done anything to show him that I did like him (but he did find out two years ago due to certain circumstances). Shows just how much I'm afraid of rejection, huh? After I publish this post, I'm done. He can be happy with her and be that model couple that I mentioned earlier. He's a sweet guy; it's such a shame he never felt even a tiny bit of what I felt for him.

You know how they say that if you truly like something, then let go? HOW. I've always wondered how people would let go of something they loved and cherished so easily. Surely it was hard for them, but how can they simply... Just let go and watch the other be happy with another person? I commend the people who can do that, and still keep a smile on their face. //cue round of applause.

What I wanted to do was to post this on to my blog and actually give up on him; I even stated that before, too. But... I tend to go back on my word concerning him. Chances of me actually giving up? Slim. Most likely... I'll keep liking him until I move in a few months, and if I'm lucky, it all ends there. If I'm not? Well... Time to sort out my priorities.

To all the people in the same position as me... Good luck. It hurts to have to watch them, and to realize that they probably never felt the same. Whether you choose to be a stubborn person like me or not, you'll still get a happy ending - maybe not with the person you envision, but hey, we can dream.